Waiting

It's the time of year when we are all on the countdown...I think it started when I saw a Facebook post that told me it was 100 days until Christmas. Better get ready. Better start planning. Better start cruising around Pinterest to find all the cool crafty things that I have every intention of trying. At the end of all the planning and purchasing and wrapping, we wait.

We wait for so many things. We wait for a parking spot at the shopping centre, for our turn at the post office, for the kids to be finished with school for holidays....I wait for the day I hop on the airplane to visit my family and friends in the US.

But some of us have bigger waiting. Some of us wait for a miracle, an end to loneliness, a cure for illness, an end to debt, the beginning of love, the end of pain the beginning of a refreshed life. These are big things.

It seems to me that HOW we wait is just as important as what we are waiting for. Do we wait with a sense of hope and promise, or do we wait with our arms folded- tapping our foot? Would the outcome be any different either way? I suspect that the outcome of waiting would be the same, but maybe the waiting is a journey of its own. Maybe our waiting journey shows us patience, teaches us perseverance and Grace under pressure. Maybe when we receive the gift at the end of the waiting, it will be sweeter because of the waiting rather than in spite of it.

The people of Isreal waited. Mary waited. The world waited...waited for a Messiah- one who would bring wholeness and healing. The baby born at Christmas didn't just appear magically without warning. He required waiting. Hundreds and hundreds of years of promise- only to wait nine months for the birth...and another 30 odd years to speak his truth to the world.

Yes. There was waiting.

This year, I hope that you find peace in the journey of your waiting. Whether you are waiting for a heart to heal or waiting for the Joy in the faces of your children on Christmas morning, I hope that you will wait with anticipation and hope...and when the waiting is over, you will find the beauty in the journey.

A year ago today

One of my very favourite things to do is walk in a local park called Neil Hawkins Park in Joondalup. There is a lake there- ducks, White Cockatoos, Gallahs, Rosellas, various water birds and even a couple of kangaroo families. It's unique because I can see the changing of the seasons there, and let my mind wander.

After I'm finished there, I quite often go to a smoothie place called Boost.

Today, I walked in the park, and waited for my name to be called for my favourite smoothie at Boost. I was playing on my phone (as you do) and my phone decided to show me a photo with a caption that read "A year ago today".

Of course I was immediately taken back to 'a year ago today' and then back to today. If you want an interesting reflection, think about all the things that happen in a year...things that change, and things that stay the same.

A year ago today, I walked in the park and had a smoothie. I was counting down the days until I could go home to the U.S. after not having been there for five years. My oldest son was in year 12. My younger son was trying to navigate his first year of high school. I was taking every Wednesday off to paint, think and try to make sense of monumental changes in mine and my boys' lives. My work held things together in a world where very little made sense and my friends and family near and far held me together. It would be fair to say that I wanted to run..literally and figuratively.

Today, I walked in the park and had a smoothie. I no longer count down days. Each day brings what it does and I know I can't control the day even if I wanted to count it away. My oldest son is going to Europe soon....on his own. My youngest son is finishing his second year of high school and I saw him  about twice during the last school holidays because he was out with friends most of the time. I don't take Wednesday's off, but when I want to treat myself to beauty, I go to the park.  I have a company rather than an office. The work is longer, but integrates with my life. I still have the best friends and family near and far- and even have some new friends who have touched my heart and provided a different perspective. I rather think I am moving toward something than running away from it.

I want to thank my phone for reminding me what can happen in a year and for letting me know how many smoothies I've had in the last 12 months.

Steve Jobs probably didn't intend the iPhone to be this thought provoking, nevertheless, he may have been tickled that it was for me, a year ago today.

Monday morning musings

It's Monday morning. Do you know where your happiness is? Did you check your happiness in and out at the door of the weekend, or do you have something deeper going on?
Often, just recently, I've had the feeling that I'm in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. This, in turn has caused me some moments of real contentment as well as some moments of impromptu dancing.

It did get me thinking about how to cultivate this so it happens all the time. It also makes me wonder what causes this sense of.....well....joy to fade and lose it's potency.

I believe these are some ingredients:

Faith and/or spiritual practice sustains us through times when the happiness fades. Joy can always be present, but I think that presents in trust or hope when things get tough.
Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.
Allow yourself to be seen...get real, get naked, or whatever you have to do to bring your whole self to relationships of all sorts. The tribe we hang out with becomes increasingly authentic when we are presenting our true selves.
Be honest about your limitations, but don't quit trying new things. Earlier this year, I talked about saying 'yes' to things that were new, different and sometimes scary. You will be good at some new things, and rubbish at others, but in the end- you'll never know what you can do unless you try.
Accept that you may not be everyone's cup of tea. Not everyone will like you, and that ok. You can't make everyone happy.
Open yourself up to the possibility of the impossible. Not everything is logical. Not everything can be neatly categorised. Try letting in a little impossibility and see what happens.

Monday morning musings......
Wishing you joy and contentment that lasts all week long.

Self to self

Have you ever seen those articles before? The ones where celebrities or sports stars or people of great importance write a letter to their 16 year old self? I'm pretty sure if I wrote a letter to my 16 year old self, that poor girl would be running screaming out of the room.
Leaving that, I spent some time this weekend in front of my minimalist fireplace with a notepad, trying to hear what I was being told from the inside.
Here is what I heard.
You have passed through the scariest part...you are still standing, still living, now learning what it will take.
You will always carry the marks, but you don't have to hold the anger or the fear. There may be life things, uncertain things, but you have the choice to be happy or not- live life wholeheartedly, or not. You are smart enough to know what you can do, and what you need help doing. Be brave. Ask. The universe wants to give you what you need for the journey. So, what will you take from this? What would you say if someone asked?

• Don't worry. This is the hardest thing. When you discover that the foundations of your life can be removed in an instant, it's easy to worry about every other thing that could possibly be taken away. The possibilities are endless, but the probabilities are few. Know you can handle whatever comes, but know that you cannot prevent it coming, anymore than you can prevent the world turning. Let go of worry and find peace. 
• Love yourself. When you think you are unloveable, wrap yrour arms around yourself, figuratively or literally and know that you are worthy. Your circumstances have not changed your capacity to love or be loved.
•  Bear in mind what you can control and what you cannot. You actually can control very little. You can control yourself but you cannot control the actions or thoughts of anyone else. In the end you must let go. Surrender. If you do, you will find peace.Be present. There is no point in trying to relive the past in a different version. Every moment you spend moving the furniture of  the past around in your mind is a moment you have lost living in the present. Look forward, always, but live now.

• Be hopeful. Full of hope. Without hope there is no looking forward. Wake up each morning with a sense of hope and you will be surprised at the events and people who are put in your path to move you forward. Expect it. 
• Live in gratitude. All of the blessings in your life are gifts, not givens. 
• Ask for help. You know your pool, your car and the leaky toilet? Yes, those things. You are pretty bright, but you are also human. Get help for the things you can't work out on your own. There isn't a person who knows everything or who can do everything. You are no exception. 
• Accept yourself. Some people will love you, some will hate you and some will just not get you full stop. Still, be proud of who and what you are, as it evolves. No one can understand you until you understand yourself. Accept it. Accept all of it...the neat and tidy, the messy and unpredictable. Those who love you will travel with you and those who don't, well, send them your live and wish them well.

So, this is incomplete because I'm sure that there is much I have to learn, but I think these things are a good start. 

A bit of a rant

Let me start by saying that I don't think I'm generally known for ranting. I do try not to whine because, quite frankly, it's not helpful.
That being said, I have a couple of comments I'd like to make, based on my experiences in the last couple of weeks.

First, to the lady who wants to know if there is "someone else" that I can ask to pick something up 25kms away from my office in the middle of the day....the short answer is "No". When I tell you I can't, it's not because I don't want to, it's just that I really and truly cannot. I feel bad that you're annoyed. I'm not trying to make your life difficult, I just can't- and no, there is no one that can do that for me. Really.

Second, to the receptionist in the doctors surgery who tells me that I don't have a "next of kin" noted on my file, and tells me that you need me to put one down in case I "drop off the perch"....please know that I really don't want to drop off the perch, and it's really hard for me to put down a next of kin. I know it's your job to keep the files tidy, but the reminder of my own mortality and my lack of significant other is probably more than I want to deal with on a Monday afternoon.

Over the past few weeks, I've had a lot of tests done. The good news is that it doesn't look like there is anything that is life threatening. However, it does appear that the discs in my neck are degenerating, amongst other things, and honestly, it kinda hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a lot. It's new and weird.

So, where am I going with this tonight? I suppose I just want to say this-

Listen.
Be patient.
When people put you off, don't be offended, sometimes it's not about you- it's about them and where they are.
Try a little understanding, not everyone has the same circumstances as you. You are luckier than you think.
Be kind. A little kindness goes a long way.

That's it. That's the rant. Thanks for listening.

The Never Never

Ever heard of the Never Never?
It generally refers to the Australian outback...it's a place that's remote, and vast. Its a place where men and women must be brave. Its hot and unforgiving...have a look at the movie 'Australia' and you'll get a feel for the Never Never. I think it must be a place where, because of circumstances, time just simply stops, and your most immediate need is survival. I reckon it must be a lonely place, but somewhere people have travelled before.  It feels like a place you have to get through from one stop to the next. It must be a place where it's hot and dry, barren and isolated...but some consider it magic. I think it must be a place on the cusp, maybe. You don't feel like you've truly left someplace, but at the same time you've not arrived at your destination.

Me? I just like the sounds of the words...the Never, Never. I suspect that I have been in the Never, Never this year, and have been moving through it one step at a time, looking for tracks and clues about how to move forward. Sometimes I've done that well, and sometimes not so much. I've been in the outback, and I can tell you it is easy to get lost there.

I've recently come back to Perth from a two month holiday in the US, where I'm from. When I was there, I felt 'foreign' alot. Being back in Oz, I still feel 'foreign' in many respects. Being 'in-between' I think must be characteristic of the Never, Never. It's a place where you must be tethered to something stronger than yourself, whether that's a belief, a truth or a person, or your family...to be tethered, like in the movie "Gravity", means you have a touch point, something to pull you back to centre, or at least something to keep you from flying off into space.

Tonight, I am thinking about each person who has walked with me through my own Never, Never this year. Many people, in many different ways have been my touch point and have kept me from flying off in space. Each of those people have known me for various amounts of time- but all have brought
to me a new learning about myself. Thank you all for being there, and helping me move forward to a new destination.

Say "Yes"!

In Australia, when you try something, you 'have a go'. This doesn't mean you'll be great at it, or that you'll always necessarily like it, but you do try it nonetheless.
When we were children, we were told to try things, lots of things, from new food to new activities and even new friends. Somewhere along the way, I think we get a bit stuck. We tend to focus on the comfortable and familiar and our world shrinks a bit, becoming smaller and more insular.
 This isn't intentional, and sometimes quite reasonable...if you don't like Brussel sprouts, you probably won't have to keep trying them in order to confirm that fact.
But--what about the things you've not tried and maybe passed up because you thought you were too big, too small, too old, too young, too whatever?
Over the past few months, I've tried to say 'yes' to trying different things. Here's just a few of the things I've tried:
1.) Consecutive games of laser tag
2.) Rock wall climbing
3.) A massage from a franchise that specialises in massages
4.) Shooting real guns
5.) Joining an art association
6.) Cognac
7.) Hiking uphill in the snow in tennis shoes
8.) Watermelon iced tea
9.) Wine tasting in the Willamette Valley

Some were big and some were small, but I've found that trying any new thing requires a mindset of 'yes' instead of 'no'.

There is a Jim Carrey movie called 'Yes Man' that takes this to the extreme. His character is required to say 'yes' to every opportunity presented to him, sometimes to his detriment...but, what if we tried to say 'yes' to something new every day? What if, when presented with the option, we said 'yes' to a different flavour, 'yes' to that suggestion our kids make, 'yes' to catching up for coffee or drinks with a friend, 'yes'to that idea rattling around in our head that seems impossible? 'Yes' to a new hat even if we don't normally wear them, but we just love the colour?

Once you say 'yes' for awhile, I think it comes as a bit of a surprise how often we actually say 'no', and deny ourselves small gifts of surprise and delight, making our world a little less than it might otherwise be.

This year, I'm going to continue to say 'yes' to opportunities big and small, given the option. I encourage you to to say 'yes' to one different thing each day and see what might change...even if it's only discovering a new found taste for Brussel sprouts or a new love of hats.

My favourite words.....

Would you describe your life as abundant? How about extravagant? Today, I've been thinking about those words, partly because of a book I'm reading called "The Artists Way", and partly because these words resonate with me.
It's easy to get caught up in wanting the things we don't have, whilst overlooking the things we do. I'm guilty...for sure I want a new floor of some sort in my front lounge, and I feel I won't rest until that's a done deal. I have a particular hatred for the shade of carpet that I have, but don't get me started.
Really though, that's a first world problem and the rest of my life I could consider full of abundance. Not just "I have enough" or "everything I need", but abundant....full. Overflowing even. I have in the past come from a mindset of lack- focussing on the things I don't have. But it occurs to me, once I think of my life as abundant, all of a sudden I have a surplus. Something to give away- something to share.
And when I think about sharing, I think about sharing extravagantly...out of abundance. I love the word "extravagant". It conjures up for me things that are valuable and beautiful. You can be extravagant with money, but can you be extravagant with sharing yourself and what you have to offer the world? Let it all go out there? Release yourself extravagantly and see what happens?
What would happen if we shared extravagantly our own, authentic selves?
You might think its risky...nothing of value comes without a price. But I wonder, if we could share our weird selves in an extravagant way, wouldn't we be better off? Wouldn't it be good to share ourselves in a valuable and beautiful way with people we know, as well as people we don't?
My challenge, as I think about those words, is to live authentically and to give extravagantly out of abundance...it may be that someone might have needed just that, in order to feel that they too, have something beautiful to offer.

Home

Home is where the heart is. Where you lay your hat is your home. Home for the holidays. Home on the range. And in the immortal words of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, "There's no place like home."
It's been a week since I've been home. I was in the US for two months on long service leave, away from my work in Australia. It was a challenging and meaningful journey. Those who have experienced long haul flights can attest to the challenges of such a trip. For a number of reasons, I wasn't able to go home for nearly 5 years. It would be fair to say that I longed deeply for the place where I could be at rest...at peace...a member of my original family. If home is the place you can be yourself and people love you anyway- I wanted to be there.
Being home came with its challenges- I had to drive on the other side of the road, I had to figure out how to find things in grocery stores all over again, and in Oregon I had to let someone else pump the fuel into the car. But, being home also brought exactly what I longed for- a sense of peace, of belonging, of acceptance. A sense of being able to be myself and having people love me regardless.
I was able to be with people I hadn't seen for many, many years as well as family who had been to Perth over the last year. I also has the opportunity to meet new people, and make new friends going forward in the next chapter of my life. I was blessed by the love of people who have been and will always be a big part of my life and who I am.
And now I'm in my other home, where  it is currently 80F at night instead of snowing, and I consider myself lucky- to be able to to have the best of both homes.
Wherever you are tonight, I wish for you the peace and rest that comes from knowing where your home is- and that you can always return, whether that's in a place or in people, and hope that you experience that belonging and acceptance of being loved for who you are.

Time and Tide

I live next to the Indian Ocean. It's a fact. The way the water moves on itself, back and forth, according to the earth's grand design, against the white sand of the Western Australian coastline, never ceases to amaze and calm me. 

My oldest son is 18. His father was a fantastic surfer with a deep bond with the sea. He was never more at peace than when he was next to, in, or on the waves of this mighty ocean. My son is as much his father as he is me, and loves the ocean. When his father died last year, we took his ashes and spread them at his favourite surf break down south in Gracetown, Western Australia. The surfbreak is called Lefthanders and it is a popular break. 

My son graduated from high school in December and spent 2 months travelling the US with me. When he came home, he went down South and visited the surfbreaks that his father loved. In a particularly poignant moment tonight, he shared with me his experience in that place. It was a truly personal reflection coming from a young man who has learned his own strength over the past year. 

I was overwhelmed by his reflection, and how far we have all come in the wake of what was a tumultuous time. 

In the midst of the turmoil around us last year, people would tell us that time would begin to heal what had been broken. I tend to think it is time, and the tide- the natural turning of nature on itself in a rhythm none of us can understand, which is healing. The tide of life, bringing trying times along with peace, love and new beginnings is what brings us closer to understanding our past and giving us the capacity to embrace our future.