Creativity

I haven't  written anything in some time. It isn't that I haven't had anything to say (as some people who know me well can verify) it's just that sometimes, things are so big, the reflection is effort in and of itself.

But, tonight, I need to share, so...thank you in advance for indulging me.

Tonight, I saw the creativity and skill of my oldest son in action, and it was profound. This son is a drummer. He had his first drum kit when he was 10. The music teacher at his first primary school told me that he had "...no musical aptitude". When he enrolled in a new school in year 5, he took a test and won a percussion scolarship. Not so long after that, when his dad was supposed to be on an errand to find a lawnmower, he came home with a drum kit.

That kid drummed. He pounded....he tapped....he felt......music like I could not hear it. He heard the rhythm. He felt the foundation of things. He played in school, in bands. And on his own. He made me listen to things I couldn't make sense of. All because of the beat.

He played and played. Even in the hardest times...the darkest times. He drummed. Just as surely as I sang the harmony to any tune I could hear- he felt the foundation, and played it for me.

Tonight, I was privileged to be in a place where he drummed and people listened...as a man, a man who hears the rhythm of life and not just the melody. A man who has found his way- come into his own- being. Apart from me, yet indelibly a part. I was humbled.

We all see the beauty of our children's giftings, so I know I'm not alone- but for me, it was an affirmation, a blessing and a prayer all rolled into one. This man, will see things, hear things, do things differently to me. And he will be amazing. A complex mash up between his dad, me, and his own spirit. And I relise this is a blessing and whatever has come before and what whatever will be- he is his own person. Apart from me, and apart from his circumstance...and he will literally drum to his own beat.

And there is nothing that could give me greater joy.

Waiting

It's the time of year when we are all on the countdown...I think it started when I saw a Facebook post that told me it was 100 days until Christmas. Better get ready. Better start planning. Better start cruising around Pinterest to find all the cool crafty things that I have every intention of trying. At the end of all the planning and purchasing and wrapping, we wait.

We wait for so many things. We wait for a parking spot at the shopping centre, for our turn at the post office, for the kids to be finished with school for holidays....I wait for the day I hop on the airplane to visit my family and friends in the US.

But some of us have bigger waiting. Some of us wait for a miracle, an end to loneliness, a cure for illness, an end to debt, the beginning of love, the end of pain the beginning of a refreshed life. These are big things.

It seems to me that HOW we wait is just as important as what we are waiting for. Do we wait with a sense of hope and promise, or do we wait with our arms folded- tapping our foot? Would the outcome be any different either way? I suspect that the outcome of waiting would be the same, but maybe the waiting is a journey of its own. Maybe our waiting journey shows us patience, teaches us perseverance and Grace under pressure. Maybe when we receive the gift at the end of the waiting, it will be sweeter because of the waiting rather than in spite of it.

The people of Isreal waited. Mary waited. The world waited...waited for a Messiah- one who would bring wholeness and healing. The baby born at Christmas didn't just appear magically without warning. He required waiting. Hundreds and hundreds of years of promise- only to wait nine months for the birth...and another 30 odd years to speak his truth to the world.

Yes. There was waiting.

This year, I hope that you find peace in the journey of your waiting. Whether you are waiting for a heart to heal or waiting for the Joy in the faces of your children on Christmas morning, I hope that you will wait with anticipation and hope...and when the waiting is over, you will find the beauty in the journey.

A year ago today

One of my very favourite things to do is walk in a local park called Neil Hawkins Park in Joondalup. There is a lake there- ducks, White Cockatoos, Gallahs, Rosellas, various water birds and even a couple of kangaroo families. It's unique because I can see the changing of the seasons there, and let my mind wander.

After I'm finished there, I quite often go to a smoothie place called Boost.

Today, I walked in the park, and waited for my name to be called for my favourite smoothie at Boost. I was playing on my phone (as you do) and my phone decided to show me a photo with a caption that read "A year ago today".

Of course I was immediately taken back to 'a year ago today' and then back to today. If you want an interesting reflection, think about all the things that happen in a year...things that change, and things that stay the same.

A year ago today, I walked in the park and had a smoothie. I was counting down the days until I could go home to the U.S. after not having been there for five years. My oldest son was in year 12. My younger son was trying to navigate his first year of high school. I was taking every Wednesday off to paint, think and try to make sense of monumental changes in mine and my boys' lives. My work held things together in a world where very little made sense and my friends and family near and far held me together. It would be fair to say that I wanted to run..literally and figuratively.

Today, I walked in the park and had a smoothie. I no longer count down days. Each day brings what it does and I know I can't control the day even if I wanted to count it away. My oldest son is going to Europe soon....on his own. My youngest son is finishing his second year of high school and I saw him  about twice during the last school holidays because he was out with friends most of the time. I don't take Wednesday's off, but when I want to treat myself to beauty, I go to the park.  I have a company rather than an office. The work is longer, but integrates with my life. I still have the best friends and family near and far- and even have some new friends who have touched my heart and provided a different perspective. I rather think I am moving toward something than running away from it.

I want to thank my phone for reminding me what can happen in a year and for letting me know how many smoothies I've had in the last 12 months.

Steve Jobs probably didn't intend the iPhone to be this thought provoking, nevertheless, he may have been tickled that it was for me, a year ago today.

Monday morning musings

It's Monday morning. Do you know where your happiness is? Did you check your happiness in and out at the door of the weekend, or do you have something deeper going on?
Often, just recently, I've had the feeling that I'm in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. This, in turn has caused me some moments of real contentment as well as some moments of impromptu dancing.

It did get me thinking about how to cultivate this so it happens all the time. It also makes me wonder what causes this sense of.....well....joy to fade and lose it's potency.

I believe these are some ingredients:

Faith and/or spiritual practice sustains us through times when the happiness fades. Joy can always be present, but I think that presents in trust or hope when things get tough.
Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.
Allow yourself to be seen...get real, get naked, or whatever you have to do to bring your whole self to relationships of all sorts. The tribe we hang out with becomes increasingly authentic when we are presenting our true selves.
Be honest about your limitations, but don't quit trying new things. Earlier this year, I talked about saying 'yes' to things that were new, different and sometimes scary. You will be good at some new things, and rubbish at others, but in the end- you'll never know what you can do unless you try.
Accept that you may not be everyone's cup of tea. Not everyone will like you, and that ok. You can't make everyone happy.
Open yourself up to the possibility of the impossible. Not everything is logical. Not everything can be neatly categorised. Try letting in a little impossibility and see what happens.

Monday morning musings......
Wishing you joy and contentment that lasts all week long.

Self to self

Have you ever seen those articles before? The ones where celebrities or sports stars or people of great importance write a letter to their 16 year old self? I'm pretty sure if I wrote a letter to my 16 year old self, that poor girl would be running screaming out of the room.
Leaving that, I spent some time this weekend in front of my minimalist fireplace with a notepad, trying to hear what I was being told from the inside.
Here is what I heard.
You have passed through the scariest part...you are still standing, still living, now learning what it will take.
You will always carry the marks, but you don't have to hold the anger or the fear. There may be life things, uncertain things, but you have the choice to be happy or not- live life wholeheartedly, or not. You are smart enough to know what you can do, and what you need help doing. Be brave. Ask. The universe wants to give you what you need for the journey. So, what will you take from this? What would you say if someone asked?

• Don't worry. This is the hardest thing. When you discover that the foundations of your life can be removed in an instant, it's easy to worry about every other thing that could possibly be taken away. The possibilities are endless, but the probabilities are few. Know you can handle whatever comes, but know that you cannot prevent it coming, anymore than you can prevent the world turning. Let go of worry and find peace. 
• Love yourself. When you think you are unloveable, wrap yrour arms around yourself, figuratively or literally and know that you are worthy. Your circumstances have not changed your capacity to love or be loved.
•  Bear in mind what you can control and what you cannot. You actually can control very little. You can control yourself but you cannot control the actions or thoughts of anyone else. In the end you must let go. Surrender. If you do, you will find peace.Be present. There is no point in trying to relive the past in a different version. Every moment you spend moving the furniture of  the past around in your mind is a moment you have lost living in the present. Look forward, always, but live now.

• Be hopeful. Full of hope. Without hope there is no looking forward. Wake up each morning with a sense of hope and you will be surprised at the events and people who are put in your path to move you forward. Expect it. 
• Live in gratitude. All of the blessings in your life are gifts, not givens. 
• Ask for help. You know your pool, your car and the leaky toilet? Yes, those things. You are pretty bright, but you are also human. Get help for the things you can't work out on your own. There isn't a person who knows everything or who can do everything. You are no exception. 
• Accept yourself. Some people will love you, some will hate you and some will just not get you full stop. Still, be proud of who and what you are, as it evolves. No one can understand you until you understand yourself. Accept it. Accept all of it...the neat and tidy, the messy and unpredictable. Those who love you will travel with you and those who don't, well, send them your live and wish them well.

So, this is incomplete because I'm sure that there is much I have to learn, but I think these things are a good start. 

A bit of a rant

Let me start by saying that I don't think I'm generally known for ranting. I do try not to whine because, quite frankly, it's not helpful.
That being said, I have a couple of comments I'd like to make, based on my experiences in the last couple of weeks.

First, to the lady who wants to know if there is "someone else" that I can ask to pick something up 25kms away from my office in the middle of the day....the short answer is "No". When I tell you I can't, it's not because I don't want to, it's just that I really and truly cannot. I feel bad that you're annoyed. I'm not trying to make your life difficult, I just can't- and no, there is no one that can do that for me. Really.

Second, to the receptionist in the doctors surgery who tells me that I don't have a "next of kin" noted on my file, and tells me that you need me to put one down in case I "drop off the perch"....please know that I really don't want to drop off the perch, and it's really hard for me to put down a next of kin. I know it's your job to keep the files tidy, but the reminder of my own mortality and my lack of significant other is probably more than I want to deal with on a Monday afternoon.

Over the past few weeks, I've had a lot of tests done. The good news is that it doesn't look like there is anything that is life threatening. However, it does appear that the discs in my neck are degenerating, amongst other things, and honestly, it kinda hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a lot. It's new and weird.

So, where am I going with this tonight? I suppose I just want to say this-

Listen.
Be patient.
When people put you off, don't be offended, sometimes it's not about you- it's about them and where they are.
Try a little understanding, not everyone has the same circumstances as you. You are luckier than you think.
Be kind. A little kindness goes a long way.

That's it. That's the rant. Thanks for listening.

The Never Never

Ever heard of the Never Never?
It generally refers to the Australian outback...it's a place that's remote, and vast. Its a place where men and women must be brave. Its hot and unforgiving...have a look at the movie 'Australia' and you'll get a feel for the Never Never. I think it must be a place where, because of circumstances, time just simply stops, and your most immediate need is survival. I reckon it must be a lonely place, but somewhere people have travelled before.  It feels like a place you have to get through from one stop to the next. It must be a place where it's hot and dry, barren and isolated...but some consider it magic. I think it must be a place on the cusp, maybe. You don't feel like you've truly left someplace, but at the same time you've not arrived at your destination.

Me? I just like the sounds of the words...the Never, Never. I suspect that I have been in the Never, Never this year, and have been moving through it one step at a time, looking for tracks and clues about how to move forward. Sometimes I've done that well, and sometimes not so much. I've been in the outback, and I can tell you it is easy to get lost there.

I've recently come back to Perth from a two month holiday in the US, where I'm from. When I was there, I felt 'foreign' alot. Being back in Oz, I still feel 'foreign' in many respects. Being 'in-between' I think must be characteristic of the Never, Never. It's a place where you must be tethered to something stronger than yourself, whether that's a belief, a truth or a person, or your family...to be tethered, like in the movie "Gravity", means you have a touch point, something to pull you back to centre, or at least something to keep you from flying off into space.

Tonight, I am thinking about each person who has walked with me through my own Never, Never this year. Many people, in many different ways have been my touch point and have kept me from flying off in space. Each of those people have known me for various amounts of time- but all have brought
to me a new learning about myself. Thank you all for being there, and helping me move forward to a new destination.